Lost Penguin

A Good Summary Of Last Night’s Episode (Spoilers)

The following is a digested view of the Doctor Who Episode, “A Good Man Goes To War”:

DOCTOR: WOW! YEAH! We’ve done it, me and my highly unlikely alliance of old enemies and characters first thought up on the pack of a fag packet! We’ve just done a third rate Stars Wars pastiche! Astounding! Wicked! Cool, Daddy-o!


(Highly contrived time baby then turns out to be a
flesh copy, because last week’s episode was arguably a better
cliffhanger and we’ve run out of ideas.)

DOCTOR: Oh no! I’ve failed miserably! I must now try to do that thing with my face that David Tennant spent 2005-2009 doing!

(In comes Professor River Smug, looking both smug and enigmatic.)

 
RIVER SMUG: Doctor, you’re a very bad man! Look at all the bad
things you’ve done! You bad, bad, bad man! Don’t you know Doctor means
‘healer’? I know it can mean other things, but we’re trying to make you more relevant these days, which somehow means making you look like a douchebag at every possible moment…


DOCTOR: Yes, but how else was I supposed to rescue Amy? And it’s not like getting angry and using violence to protect innocents is always a bad thing. Evil must be destroyed. And what about Hitler?

RIVER SMUG: Spoilers! We’ll be doing a dog’s dinner of that concept in the Autumn. Anyway, you’re a bad person in much the same perverse and contrived way that you were in Journey’s End, which this episode in no form or way resembles, oh no.


DOCTOR: Also, you did rather torture that poor Dalek in the last series and go on a shooting spree in episode two of this series. Also, domestic violence in episode one…



RIVER SMUG: I can be as hypocritical and self-righteous as I want because I’m a Mary Sue. Now start looking guilty!


DOCTOR: Also you could have told us from the start instead of just…


RIVER SMUG: We need to drag this load of arse over several series. By the way, I’m Amy and Rory’s daughter, and I’m sort of cosmic because blahblahblah deus ex machina.


DOCTOR: Whahey! Woo! I’m off to save the baby! Your willful inaction, double standards and refusal to tell me anything doesn’t matter at all! Geronimo!


RIVER SMUG: I love that wonderful, impossible man! Well, actually I’m always down on him and Steven Moffat would rather write glorified fan fic about me, but since when does this show ever make any sense these days? I’m now off to patronise my parents rather than come straight out and tell them who I am because that would be too logical!


(Join us in the Autumn for the next exciting episode - ‘Doctor Who and the dwindling audience figures’!)